Scared Of My Shadow

When I was a little girl I was afraid of the dark. I was also afraid of being alone, especially in the dark. If I found myself awake and alone in the dark, my imagination would do all sorts of grotesque things with shadows and sounds. Some scientists think that it could be an inherent and sensory memory of the time when our species was very vulnerable to predators at night. All I know is that I was terrified, at times, with the horrible things my imagination manufactured.

Fear did not leave me when I matured. I was just afraid of different things...of not being accepted, of being misjudged, of not being loved. Then I became afraid of poverty and not being able to provide for my children. I had such nightmares. It took me a while to learn that courage was not the absence of fear but doing what I had to do in spite of my fear. It took me longer to learn that a lot of the fear I felt was of things that had not and might not happen and over which I had no control. Those fears I finally consigned to the mental trash bin.

Now we live in scary times. I have faced things much worse than the things which I thought were so scary when I was younger. I have had gut-wrenching, cannot eat or sleep, deep anxiety and it was for REAL reasons. I found that I do suffer from an anxiety disorder and have had therapy and do have medication for it, but I don't take it unless I need it. With the new congress in session, I see I am going to need one, here and there.

I am no longer watching the news and reading very little of my news feed. We on the left accuse the right wing of gaining support by fostering fear in the small-minded, super-religious and unfortunately ignorant voters. But what they are trying to do to this nation is scarier than any of the non-existent threats with which they have conned their supporters. I am aware of the power of hate and fear and they have wielded both with a total disregard for how stupid they sound to the thinking person. Unfortunately, now our own faction is using the threats of what congress might do to our safety nets of Social Security, Medicare, and social service programs not to mention the rights and safety and autonomy of women and minorities. Lions and Tigers and Ted Cruz!! Oh My!!

Without Social Security and Medicare, my husband and I would/will be up that fabled, sewage-laden creek without a boat, much less a paddle, so I am trying my damnedest to hide my eyes and not see what they might be able to do. I am in the "tell me when it's over" mode. The Cowardly Lion has nothing on me. But, I am also angry. I am angry at the people who vote for the purveyors of these vicious ideals, and am appalled at the fact that they will not listen when told they are voting against their OWN BEST INTERESTS. I am further appalled at the "more progressive than thou's" who stayed at home and didn't vote in the mid-terms. Well, when your grandmother is begging food and your parents are thrown out of their house, tell them how the candidates weren't liberal enough or how both parties are alike and all are corrupt. Hey, there's a new reality show for you...Homeless Seniors.

Listen, Sunshine. You haven't discovered anything new. Yes, we have some bad apples. And we don't agree with everything every left-leaning politician says. But, we have to consider the alternative and understand that Rome wasn't built in a day and that baby steps are better than no steps at all. Well, your actions bore rotten fruit. I guess you showed us, huh? I vote Democrat because their platform, while not perfect, is a hell of a lot better than what the Koch Brothers, Alec-Driven, Dominionist GOP is pushing at us. This is where Bill Maher and I part company. There ain't no tens, Billy Boy. Let's get over this infighting and stop the damn fear-mongering.

YES, I am calling the left on fear-mongering, liberal-style. Every day, a number of friends and groups on Face Book publish another story about what the right is trying to do and how we will all starve and die because of it. That is not the way you do it because frightened people usually don't act. They run and hide.

I know, because I am hiding. I might peek out to see how the battle goes, but I am inside my cocoon until I can't stay there anymore. I have talked, written, emailed, signed, and voted myself hoarse, finger-cramped and tired. I'm not giving up, but I am NOT going to watch the only safety nets those of us seniors have, who are not affluent,  go down the drain because some arrogant idiots on both sides have played us like fiddles. I am angry and weary of mourning young, unarmed men (and some women) killed because of their skin color. I am frustrated and, yes, I am scared to death.

So sue me. Better yet, give me a good reason to come out and fight, because I am not feeling the fight, just the flight.

Too bad most of the really progressive nations don't take senior immigrants unless they are rich. Is that a contradiction? Is it over yet?